So, a good friend of mine started something last week called "Truthful Tuesday". I don't know if it was her idea or if it came from other blogs, but that part is really not important. What IS important is that we "bloggers" are truthful once in a while. So often as mothers and women, we will read other women's accounts of their (supposed) daily lives and we will feel inferior, like we are not being enough of a "super-mom" to compare to others. Well, in reality, I think that we are probably doing just fine and ARE measuring up to these other women, if only they would be totally truthful in their posts. But, who does that? I mean, really. Do we really want to share with the world when we've had a day where we yelled more than we loved? Do we really want to tell the world when there are dirty clothes piled up like a mountain to be climbed or our toilets need to be scrubbed? Nope. We like to share with the world all of the wonderful things that go on in our lives, even if they are sometimes only in our imaginations. Well, the end result of woman after woman doing such a thing is that only HALF of the picture is portrayed and then we women (like we ALWAYS do) end up comparing ourselves to HALF truths. So, that being said, I am going to join ranks with other "Truthful Tuesday" moms and tell you the TRUTH.
This week's topic ~ are you ready for it? Truth be told, although I LOVE fall weather and usually am counting down the days to jeans and long sleeve tees and hoodies, this year I am dreading it. You want to know why? Because I cannot fit into any of my jeans. There. I said it.
I have a daily struggle of getting dressed. Not because I am depressed and don't WANT to get dressed, but because I CAN'T get dressed. For whatever reason, be it my thirties, eating too many calories, not moving enough, stress, genetics ... who cares the reason, whatever the reason, I have steadily gained weight over the past four years. At this moment, I cannot get into any of my jeans and don't like the way I look in any of my clothes. I cannot afford to buy new, BIGGER clothes, but is that really the point? I mean, even if money were no big thing, who WANTS to go shopping for BIGGER sized clothing? I know I sure don't. And, would it even matter? Would I suddenly find my reflection in the mirror sexy or beautiful again? I think not.
Now, I try desperately to live a conscious, mindful and purposeful life. I try to instill the most righteous values in my children. I try always to be thankful for what I DO have rather than ever complain about what I do not have. With all of that in mind, I want so badly to be able to say to myself "Be thankful that you HAVE food to eat", and for that to make it all okay. I mean, really. How can I possibly be complaining about eating TOO MUCH when there are mothers who will not be able to feed their children today? I want more than anything to not have a vain bone in my body. I know in my heart of hearts that vanity is of no importance whatsoever. I know in my soul that what we do for others, how we love, how we mold our children, the way we take care of our families, the way that we glorify God in all of these actions, the person that we are at our CORE is what is most important. I do know that. But, somehow, it just doesn't help the weight to be okay. I guess the almost 34 years of socialization in today's culture and society has taken its toll on me. No matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, somehow I still measure my self worth in pounds. This is something that I want to change. This is something that I will work on. I WILL learn to measure my self worth in deeds and love rather than pant size and scale numbers. But ... in the mean time, I WILL do something about the jean size and the scale numbers! From here on out, I give YOU permission to HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE! Pester the heck out of me about whether or not I've been watching my serving sizes or whether or not I've exercised. Please, help me on this journey ....
There you have it ~ the TRUTH is I've gotten fat. Whew. Did I really just say that "out loud"?