Saturday, December 15, 2012

My heart is broken

I have a post in queue that I wrote on Monday and just hadn't published yet. But, I can't even begin to wrap my thoughts around that right now.

My heart is totally broken.

My husband and I never get time alone. Yesterday happened to be his day off and the girls had a two hour drop off Art Class, so we excitedly planned to spend the time together.

It started out so wonderful. Yes, there was a ton of traffic getting to the restaurant, but we were together.

Without children.

We enjoyed our drinks and our appetizers and got our meal.

The place was loud, but we liked it. There were football replays on the screens and general mayhem.

And then ...

Suddenly the place was quiet.
  The speakers no longer played the annoying pop music.
    Out of nowhere, the speakers broke up my happy morning with news of yet another tragedy.

But, this was different.

As I listened and watched, horrified, I discovered that this tragedy happened at an elementary school.

I cringed as I said, "Elementary school, baby. That is like "The Hippie's" age (she will be 10 in a week).

Then, it happened. That moment that crushed me. That moment that took my breath away and made me cry like a baby in the middle of a busy Chili's restaurant. That discovery that has squashed my spirit ever since.

I discovered that it was a KINDERGARTEN class and that TWENTY small children were dead.

Dear God, my throat closes up as I type that.

My babies are safe and sound in their room and I am completely wrecked.


Each time I woke up last night, it was the first thing I thought of. Just like when I discovered my own father had died. Just like when I discovered my brother had died. When you sleep and you wake, it's like discovering it all over again each time when you realize it was not a bad dream.

I've never been to Connecticut.
  I don't know these people.
    My children are safe.
      And, I am a mess.


Because all I can think about are the TWENTY families that lost their 5 or 6 year old yesterday.

TEN days before Christmas and their baby is gone.

There are probably presents under the tree with their name on them.

It was probably the last day of school.
  They probably didn't even need to be there.
    It was probably going to be an early release day for Christmas break.

Those poor Mamas and Daddies put on their little coats and their mittens and dropped them off at kindergarten. They trusted that they would be safe. They thought that they would play with play-doh and listen to a story and play on the playground while Mama ran a few last minute errands.

And, now they are gone.

I cannot even see my screen as I type this. My eyes are just pouring.

My heart is truly broken.

Here I was, thankful to get two hours without my children yesterday morning ... while other parents were losing theirs with no hope of getting two hours back with their children.

I have no wise words.
  I have nothing comforting to say.
    I apologize if my post today has done nothing to inspire you.
      I am sorry if I've only ruined your day.

I don't even know how to end this post.

All I can offer is for you to hug your babies tight when you close out this post.
  Hug them tight and kiss them and tell them how much you love them.

And, thank GOD for every moment you get to spend with them.

That is all I have been doing for the past 20 hours.

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